You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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