She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
