I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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