I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
