i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
