I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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