i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
