You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
