I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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