Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
