And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
