you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Green mimosas i think yes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
