Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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