Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
