dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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