She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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