Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
