Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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