If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
