Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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