I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
