I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
