i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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