So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
