Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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