Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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