So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
