Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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