I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
