phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize