On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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