you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dating After Heartbreak
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself