if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities