Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
