Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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