does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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