Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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