Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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