he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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