She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
