My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
