My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
