you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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