I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
