In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he was CRYING into my vagina
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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