Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
