I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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