so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I had to cum in my sink.
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