he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
