dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
