She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
