I look better un-naked...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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