Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
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Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Floor bacon is actually really good
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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