When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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