My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
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Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up under a house in Key West
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