Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
ttyl tear gas
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He shit in the fireplace
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
