drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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