You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
