i need an iv and a liver transplant
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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